We All Deserve to Die

"We All Deserve to Die" is the 130th episode of Desperate Housewives.

Plot
In the opening, Mary Alice tells us all about the news that a young girl went missing on her way to work. We then see someone posting the article, complete with a picture of the girl, in a scrapbook.

Susan
Susan is making pancakes when she notices a man breaking into Mike's truck. She surprises him, calling him a thief whilst yielding her frying pan, and then man says he's repossessing the truck, leading Susan to become aware of Mike's advancing financial problems. The two discuss it over, and Mike says he's gonna fix everything up, that he doesn't need the strip club money and that Susan shouldn't be so concerned. However, business doesn't seem to pick up, and when Susan catches MJ trying to clog the kitchen sink's drain so that his father can get some work, she gets an idea: she pays off her neighbors on the lane to let her either clog their drains or ruin their appliances, such as the garbage disposal, in order for them to hire Mike to work for them. It all blows up on Susan's face though, once Mike finds her missing earring in Gaby's bathtub, and realizes what she's been doing, thus becoming very upset. Mike says he's gonna sort out his mess all by himself, and Susan becomes frustrated at him for not sharing his problems with her, after all, they are married. He goes to sleep downstairs, all alone. Later, in his garage, Mike confesses to Carlos the reason he hasn't been totally honest with Susan is because he's completely broke, and if she found out it would change how she feels about him, and he can't risk that. Carlos then asks him how much money he wants to borrow from him. Mike reluctantly thinks it over.

Lynette
Lynette and Irina are at a Russian bridal shop, and the latter is trying on wedding dresses while insulting the owner of the boutique. Lynette tries to apologize to the woman, who shares her pain. Irina's phone rings, and Lynette picks it, but it's some Russian guy and she can't understand what he's saying. She hands the phone to Irina, who apparently argues with the guy. Lynette asks her who it was, but Irina refuses to tell her. However, the store owner can tell Lynette what she overheard her saying. Later, Lynette is at INS headquarters, as apparently Irina told the guy on the phone that it would be to no avail if he called the police, because he would never find her. However, the agent she tells this has no interest in the situation, as there isn't any evidence that she is an actual criminal. Lynette then finds a female middle-aged agent who often feuds with her daughter-in-law too, and realizes she can help her out, since they do have so much in common. Lynette is asked to get Irina's passport number in order to help the INS woman, so she sneaks into her room while she's out with Preston. However, she hears them approaching, and hides behind the closet door. Irina and Preston prepare to have sex, unbeknownst to the fact that Lynette is standing there. She texts Tom, who's teaching Parker how to drive, and they hurry home to save the day. But there's not much time left, so Lynette grabs a baseball nearby and throws it at the window, eventually breaking it, and Preston and Irina rush to the window to understand what happened, as Tom and Parker arrive home. Lynette sneaks away. The wedding day finally arrives, and Lynette is desperately waiting for the INS agent to show up with some news regarding Irina's case. She does so.

In her bedroom, Irina is confronted by her soon-to-be mother-in-law, who first compliments her dress, and then proceeds to tell her she knows she's still married to some Russian guy named Alexei Korsakov, and that she has had several affairs with men whom she stripped of their money and possessions. She claims that getting married in America while still being married to someone else is a crime. She's going straight to Preston with the info she's got. Irina says it doesn't matter, she will explain it all away, as she usually does, and Preston will fall for it, and they will marry. What she doesn't know is that Preston had been in the doorway, listening to everything. He asks his mother to leave, so he can have a word with his fiancée.

A few hours later, Preston is mourning the end of his engagement alone in his darkened room, and Lynette approaches him, apologizing for going behind his back like that. Preston doesn't respons. Lynette tells him she completely understands if he must feel resentment towards her right now, so she'll wait until he gets it over, and hopes he does so soon enough, for she misses him already.

After Irina leaves the house, Eddie, who was Preston's best man, offers her a ride. She is planning to go stay at a hotel, and he offers up his own place for her to sleep in, and offers his company in the meantime, telling her he's okay with letting her use him to get over Preston and what happened to them. Irina mocks him, saying she didn't come to America to wind up with some greasy-haired little man. Eddie becomes infuriated, and drives off into the woods. He appears to be demonically maniac. He looks at her, as she asks him what's wrong, and he then attacks her. Her screams are heard outside of the car. Moments later, Irina lies dead on the ground, as he digs her a hole. The following morning, Lynette lets Eddie into her house, as he's come to give Porter a ride to school.

Bree
Sam and Bree come from a meeting with the publishing house editors, where Sam supposedly came up with the slogan for her new book on spot. Andrew takes the opportunity to announce he did some digging up on his half-brother Sam, and learnt he didn't really get an MBA. Sam explains to them that because he had to take care of his dying mother, he didn't finish some classes, and the university let him graduate with the rest of his class nonetheless. Sam tells Andrew he can bring him his mother's death certificate to save him the trouble of looking for it himself, but his brother says there's no need for that. Sam goes through the books of the company, and learns Andrew has been charging the clients for liquor he's been taking home. Bree is extremely disappointed at him, and once Andrew realizes Sam's the one who ratted on him, he can see he's bent on crippling their relationship. He tries to get his mother to see that, but Bree is blinded by the fact that Andrew has been disobeying the law, putting her company in jeopardy. She threatens to fire her son, if he continues to push her. When he literally jokingly pushes her, she tells him to turn in his keys. As she walks inside, Andrew notices Sam giving him a wicked smile from the balcony. Bree is catering a business dinner for the people at the publishing house, who don't quite approve of her new southern-themed cookbook. They say it's overdone. Sam notices the food has been sabotaged, and Bree becomes horrified. She then uses a cooking torch to set off the fire alarm, and the sprinklers soak up the joint. At home, Orson prepares some hot cocoa for his wife, and Bree is depressed because she knows her son tried to ruin her. However, her husband points out that the ruse meant to sabotage her is way too clever to have been thought out by Andrew, implying Sam might be behind it. Bree can't understand what he would stand to gain from it.

Gabrielle
Gabrielle overhears Bob and Lee arguing, and Bob later tells her their surrogate has backed out. Lee tells his husband he can't go through it all again, so they should just stop trying to be parents. Gabrielle then offers to become their surrogate, and the two of them are beyond excited. However, Carlos isn't too pleased with all of this, he says it'd be too weird having Gaby's DNA living right across the street. Still, she is determined to help them out. When she and Bob and Lee meet to discuss the surrogacy thing, Gabrielle asks them whether they want a boy or a girl, and she herself says she wants a boy, because she has two girls already. She wants to shop for the boy. The two of them tell her they're moving away, though. Gaby isn't too thrilled about her son or daughter being away. Bob and Lee begin to realize Gaby would probably be too attached to the child, and they remind her it wouldn't be her kid, it'd be theirs. It's the first time she really thinks about it. Saddened, Gaby goes home, and looks at her daughters playing cards with their father. Juanita notices her, and asks her why she looks so sad. Gabrielle tells her she was just thinking about how awful it'd be if she couldn't see them during the day. Carlos realizes where she's getting at. Later, Gaby visits Bob, who's sitting in his porch, and asks him if Carlos has told them already that she won't be going through with the surrogacy plan either. Bob says he has, and he understands, it was too much to ask. He also reveals he and Lee had another fight over it, and Lee left for good. Gabrielle leaves him be, devastated that she indirectly broke them up.

Angie
Patrick Logan shows up at The Coffee Cup and meets Danny, who's working there, and who, when seeing him work on a laptop, asks him what he's up to. Patrick tells him he's trying to write a novel. Danny asks him what it's about, and Patrick reveals to him it started out as a romantic story, but then it got darker, as the female lead, who was saved by the male protagonist, runs away with his child (in an obvious metaphor of his story with Angie). Patrick says he's come to the part where the protagonist tracks the girl down... and then he gets stuck. What should he do? Danny tries to help him out, saying that since it's a dark story, he should kill her. Patrick tells him that's exactly what he was planning on doing. That night, Angie comes home and she's all alone in the dark house, or so it seems. She hears some noises upstairs, and calls out for Danny, but there's no answer. As she looks around, clearly frightened, the phone suddenly rings. She picks it up and it's Nick. She tells him to hurry home. When she walks on ahead, we see Patrick looking through the window from outside. The following day, at The Coffee Cup, Patrick tells Danny he gave up on the plot twist the latter had suggested, so he decided to have the protagonist take something of the female character's, which is appropriate, since she took something of his. Danny doesn't understand right away what the guy could take that was as bad as what she did to him, but then he realizes he's going to take the kid. Patrick says that's exactly his plan, whilst smiling at his son.

Production Notes

 * Although credited, Dana Delany (Katherine Mayfair), Maiara Walsh (Ana Solis), Charlie Carver (Porter Scavo), and Kendall Applegate (Penny Scavo) are absent from this episode. Andrea Bowen (Julie Mayer) and Kathryn Joosten (Karen McCluskey) are too absent, and therefore are not credited.
 * The title of this episode is taken from lyrics in the song "Epiphany", from the Stephen Sondheim musical "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street". Coincidentally, "Epiphany" is the title of the following episode.
 * This episode was watched by 10.662 million viewers in its original broadcast.