Sweetheart, I Have to Confess

"Sweetheart, I Have to Confess" is the 53rd episode of Desperate Housewives.

Susan
Susan is doing yardwork when Ian comes to her door. She tries to hide from him on the opposite side of her car visible to him. Mrs. McCluskey comes along and loudly says “hi” to Susan, revealing to Ian that Susan’s there. Susan does not want to continue their relationship, but Ian, with no strings attached, invites her to his party, and she could even bring a date if she wanted. Susan visits Mike at the hospital, only to find him and Edie having sex. Later that day, Susan, Lynette, and Gabrielle are sitting on Lynette’s porch, drinking margaritas. A taxi comes along to pick up Ida Greenberg. Susan says she’s Ida, and hops into the taxi. The taxi takes her to Ian’s house, where his party is taking place. Ian is suspicious Susan is drunk. She goes into the bathroom and loudly vomits, causing a scene at the formal party. Ian takes her home, and Susan wakes up the next morning to find that he spent the night with her. Ian tells her that while she was drunk, she said she loved him. He asks her if that was Susan or the booze talking. She says it was Susan.

Mike is visited by two detectives, one of them being Detective Ridley, who have questions about Monique Polier’s murder. Since her teeth have been pulled out and they can’t get any dental records, they don’t know who the dead woman is. Mike is shown a photo of Monique, and he does not recognize her. The detectives are still suspicious, because they know he killed a cop once.

Lynette
Tom shows Lynette the pizzeria. Lynette is upset to find out what a dump it is, but even more so when she finds out that Tom already signed a lease without consulting her. Lynette is furious, so she tells him to stay away from home for a few days. The kids are upset when they haven’t seen their father in a while, and Lynette tells them the truth. When Kayla hears of this, she tells Nora. Nora is infuriated and decides to take action. Nora drops by the pizzeria and has dinner with Tom, including wine. She kisses him, but Tom steps back and tells her that he’s in love with Lynette. In a huff, Nora leaves. Tom goes back to Lynette and apologizes. Lynette apologizes back and takes him back. Tom tells her about Nora trying to make out with him, and Lynette storms into Nora’s house via kicking the door open. She is just about to beat Nora up when a scared Kayla enters the room. Lynette smiles and softly tells her to go back to her room and play, but Nora firmly orders her to stay where she is. Kayla is terrified and confused over who to listen to. Lynette decides to leave. When she gives Nora a hug as a play for Kayla, she whispers in her ear that she is now deprived from contact with her family. All she will do from now on is just drop Kayla off and drive away. If she ever sees Tom again, Lynette will “do the exact same to her spine as what she did to her front door”.

Bree
Bree is doing housework when there is a knock on the door. She answers, and it is Carolyn and her husband, Harvey. Harvey makes her apologize to Bree about all the stuff she told her about Orson. Bree forgives her and gives her the classic Bree smile. When Bree is playing tennis at the country club, she is being snubbed by her friends. When she says “hi” to Tish, Tish completely ignores her. The only friend who is still talking to Bree, Rebecca, tells her that Tish is a good friend of Carolyn’s, and she’s being snubbed because she went ahead and married Orson despite of what she told her. Bree decides to fix this problem by ordering a table in the center of the restaurant. Orson and Bree go on a double date with Harvey and Carolyn, so Bree can show her friends she and Carolyn get along. The double date goes well, and everyone is talking to Bree again. During the double date, Carolyn goes to the restroom and asks Bree to accompany her. She does, and Carolyn asks if she would like to see a picture of Alma, Orson’s first wife. She agrees, so Carolyn shows her a picture of a bruised up Alma and claims that Orson assaulted her. Bree is shocked. While the women are in the restroom, Harvey confides in Orson that he had an affair with a woman named Monique. Orson is shocked, and he asks Harvey “Monique who?” Harvey says it was Monique Pollier, the same woman who was dug up. Orson is shocked.

Detective Ridley gets an anonymous phone call from Orson. He learns that the woman is Monique Polier, and that Harvey Bigsby had an affair with her. While Harvey is doing yardwork, he is visited by Detective Ridley. He shows Harvey a picture of Monique, tells her she’s been murdered, and Harvey starts crying. He asks to take this conversation elsewhere, and Detective Ridley agrees. When Carolyn sees Detective Ridley showing Harvey the picture of the red-head, she knew her husband was up to no good.

Gabrielle
Carlos and Gabrielle are meeting with their respective lawyers separating their assets when Carlos says he is tired of squabbling over property and tells his lawyer Gabrielle can have whatever she wants. Gabrielle’s lawyer, Mr. Katzburg, is happy, but Gabrielle knows that Carlos never gives up, so he’s up to something. She is suspicious when Carlos comes home with a stack of papers and locks them in a drawer. While he is in the shower, Gabrielle sneaks into the bathroom, takes the key to the drawer out of his pant pocket, opens the drawer, and finds out that they are business papers. Carlos is getting a new job, and he’s being paid $2 million. Gabrielle asks Mr. Katzburg if she can get some of that money in the divorce, and he says only if he has the money when they get divorced. Gabrielle decides to stall their divorce and successfully seduces Carlos. She tells him that they should re-consider getting a divorce. Of course, she only wants to stall the divorce for Carlos’s money. Carlos laughs and tells her the papers were fake. It was an experiment to see if Gabrielle would seduce him because she wanted the money. He says it’s a payback for her sleeping with that one other guy. Gabrielle is infuriated, and subconsciously pushes him out of the window. She looks down and sees several cuts on his body. She panics and calls 9-1-1. She looks out the window again, and Carlos is gone. She hears the door open. When she goes to the front door, Carlos is seething, and he tells her that because of this, there is a zero percent chance that they will get back together.

Edie
Mike is in the hospital when Edie comes in wearing a sexy dress. Suddenly, Mike remembers a red-headed woman wearing a very similar outfit, leading him to believe he once knew Monique.