"There's Something About a War" is the 36th episode of Desperate Housewives.
At church, Gabrielle quietly plays with a baby which causes Carlos to ask her if she has reconsidered having a baby. Gabrielle reminds him that she has just suffered a miscarriage and would like to postpone her pregnancy plans for a while until she has made a final decision. As they argue, Father Crowley announces the return of Sister Mary Bernard who has arrived back in the United States after being gone for two months. As Sister Mary goes up to the podium to regale the congregation of her travels, Gabrielle blurts out "SON OF A BITCH" which causes the entire church to turn in Gabrielle's direction. Gabrielle then shushes the woman behind her as if it was that woman who said those words. Later in Sister Mary's car, Carlos tells Sister that Gabrielle will not reconsider her position on a baby. Sister offers to help Carlos by giving him a packet on Catholic annulment. Carlos then gives the brochure to Gabrielle who believes that she cannot be "blackmailed into having a baby". Gabrielle then visits Father Crowley in the church and asks if Sister Mary can be transferred. Father Crowley asks Gabby why which leads Gabrielle to complicate matters by saying that Carlos and Sister Mary are having an affair and that in his sleep he murmurs her name and wants her to buss him and says she doesn't belive that in the evenings they're studying The Bible. Father Crowley asks if she has serious reasons to think they're having sex together. Thinking a little, she says yes. Father Crowley looks mortified and leaves the confessional. Gabrielle then stays in the confessional and confesses to another priest that she lied. The next day, Carlos tells her that Sister Mary is being transferred to Fairbanks, Alaska and she's not told its reason. Gabrielle then returns to the church to gloat and say goodbye. As Gabrielle leaves, Sister Mary throws a scrub brush at her which causes a fight. Gabrielle punches Sister and Sister grabs her by the hair. Sister is then pushed into candles and her arm goes on fire. Gabrielle quickly extinguishes the fire which causes Sister to bite her. They tumble on the floor and the priest breaks up the fight. School children and Sister Greta watch the fight from a distance. When she arrives home, Carlos yells at Gabrielle about what she has done. The baby discussion then reignites and Gabrielle tells Carlos that she is not "a uterus in high heels". Gabrielle then tells Carlos she has accepted his offer and wants to have a baby with him after Carlos accepts Gabriel's offer to not divorce.
Meanwhile Susan arrives home from a date with Dr. Ron and asks him to come inside. Dr. Ron hesitates when he still feels as the two are still doctor/patient and not boyfriend and girlfriend. Susan asks him if this relationship is going to work and the doctor assures Susan that he is deeply attracted to her but wants to take it slow. Susan and Dr. Ron kiss and then he leaves. The following day, Susan goes for a check-up with Dr. Ron who informs her that she needs a splenectomy because of her wandering spleen and that he will be the attending surgeon. A nurse then congratulates the doctor since it will be his first time. This causes Susan to hesitate since she would feel much more comfortable with another surgeon and if Dr. Ron does do the surgery it will be the first time he sees her naked. Susan tells Dr. Ron her feelings about this over dinner but this revelation causes his feelings to be hurt and he then leaves. Susan visits Dr. Ron the following day to smooth things over. Dr. Ron tells her that she was completely right about everything and that he sent her an apology note, flowers and wine that afternoon. Susan gives a sigh of relief and then kisses Dr. Ron.
Lynette gets help with Tom on an advertising project regarding frozen yogurt. When Lynette tells him that the firm acquired the yogurt account, Tom feels proud seeing as he was one of the minds behind the campaign. Lynette then asks if he has anyone to recommend from his old firm seeing as a position is opening. Tom says that he does have someone in mind. Lynnette aks who that man is and Tom says his name is Tom Scavo, i. e. himself. Lynette laughs at this seeing as it is a recipe for disaster. Tom thinks that is not the case and that with both their salaries they can afford a high class nanny plus she can take advantage of the new company day care. Lynette does not want this but Tom has his mind made up. Surprisingly, Tom shows up on an interview as "Tom Cavos" and immediately wins over the support of Lynette's boss Ed. Lynette says that she'll agree to see Tom working if: he can never again feel resentment over Lynette against his former promotion and that she will be forgiven. Tom tells her that he already has. Tom then kisses Lynette and thanks her for the job.
When Bree finds Matthew Applewhite in Danielle's bedroom, this causes sadness and anger from Danielle when Bree walks the both of them to Betty's. Betty then slaps Matthew due to his rude behavior. Later, Bree finds Danielle crying in her room about how Bree is destroying her life now that Bree's life is over. Bree tries to make everything better by buying pizza and agrees to let Danielle date Matthew as long as it's okay with Betty. The following day, Bree visits Betty who thinks that they should not interfere with Danielle and Matthew's relationship but when Bree discovers Caleb lurking in the upstairs window she panics and tells Betty she has to leave. Remembering that she has seen the man's face before from both the newspaper and Gabrielle's break in she alerts her friends that she has serious dirt on the Applewhites. Danielle overhears this and tells Matthew. They then exchange stories which include how Bree covered up Andrew's hit and run accident involving Mama Solis. Before the poker game, Betty visits Bree who warns her that if she breathes a word about Caleb's existence she will inform the Solises and the police about Andrew's crime. Bree is then forced to lie to her friends and tell them that Betty is a master card player and will be joining their weekly game.
- Although credited, Julie Mayer (Andrea Bowen), Mike Delfino (James Denton), Andrew Van De Kamp (Shawn Pyfrom), Paul Young (Mark Moses), Zach Young (Cody Kasch), Porter Scavo (Shane Kinsman) and Preston Scavo (Brent Kinsman) do not appear in this episode.
- Due to time constraints, the opening credits were cut.
- During their discussion, Susan calls Dr. Ron McCready, Jim. Jim was the name of the blind date Susan had the episode before this one.
- The episode title is that of the song "There's Something About a War", which was written for, but cut from, Stephen Sondheim's musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.
- French Title: La vérité si tu parles (The Truth If You Speak)
- German Title: Die Kunst des Krieges (The Art of War)
- Italian Title: Il Fascino Discreto Della Guerra (The Discreet Charm Of The War)
- Hungarian Title: A hadviselés művészete (The Art of Warfare)
- Polish Title: Sztuka walki (The Art of Fight)
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